1988-09-01 - Underground Tour
Ladies and Gentlemen, the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Disorientation Precision Marching 5000.
J. Christian Porwall, Crew Chief
J. Liz Pleshette, Boundary Breaker
J. Adam Grais, Dean of Admissions, and
J. Jimmy Swaggart, Dean of Nocturnal Emissions
featuring, the Marching Band undefeated in its last 41 games, an 18 floor phallus rising above Barnard, four more days of Orientation, and jokes about food and buildings, proudly present a Cecil B. deMille musical extravaganza and "behind the scenes" glimpse at the Columbia the admissions office never dared or cared to tell you about.
[BAND TO HAMILTON]
Hamilton:
This is Hamilton Hall where a protest a few years back found Columbia in the double moral dilemma after a financial disclosure form revealed that the university owned stock in a prophylactic company with holdings in South Africa. Many students expressed outrage, and demanded that Columbia PULL OUT before matters COME to a CLIMAX. President Sovern termed it a particularly STICKY situation, and maintained that the students had no CONCEPTION of the enormity of the issues IN HAND. He then went on to call the protest a deception, a veritable TROJAN horse --- how can the student have sincere empathy with South Africans, given their own SHEIK upper-west-side life styles. The Trustees were careful not to bring this matter to the attention of College Dean Leora Netter, fearing that it might RUBBER the wrong way. How much more of this RIBBING can you take? Will you allow the band to continually RAMSES jokes down your throats? Well, before you start foaming at the mouth, the band will play: (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction.
[BAND DOES THIS THEN MOVES TO WALLACH/JAY]
Wallach:
This building is Wallach Hall. It used to be named Livingston Hall after Robert Livingston who signed his name to the constitution. Now it is named after Ira Wallach who signed his name to a 3 million dollar check.
John Jay:
In yet another example of the constant change on our campus, Donald Trump recently purchased this building, John Jay Hall. He has already begun to renovate some floors to the point where they can be used as dormitory housing. Long-time residents of the building have complained, however, calling the move just another attempt by the university to turn a slum into a residential area.
In honor of these two great renovators, the band will now play: Big Spender
[BAND DOES THIS THEN MOVES TO FBH]
FBH:
Over there is Ferris Booth Hall. We were going to write a joke about it, but one look will tell you that it isn't necessary.
[BAND MOVES TO JOURNALISM]
Journalism:
This is the journalism building built with money from Joseph Pulitzer. He gave enough money to build the building, but not enough to get it named after himself.
Columbia's most recent successful athlete, Lou Gehrig, used to play baseball on a field that was located where John Jay now stands before he moved to the Bronx. Legend has it the Lou Gehrig hit a home run and broke this (band points to various windows) window in the journalism building.
To commemorate this historic event --- and since the band doesn't have a good lead-in joke written --- we now play one of our favorites: Wipe Out
[BAND DOES THIS AND MOVES TO DODGE]
[soap to be dumped into fountains accompanied by Mr. Bubble theme if there is water]
Dodge:
We now come to Dodge Hall, home of the music department and some of Columbia's finest musicians --- as well as a few members of the Marching Band. This building, however, is not devoted entirely to music --- it also houses several modern composers. (Wait) I know that joke was a little above your heads, so feel free to laugh when you finally get it.
This building also houses the film school which is chaired by Milos Foreman who, as you may recall, directed the Academy Award winning film Amadeus. Some critics have described the film which depicts the rivalry between Mozart and Sallieri as a brilliant portrayal of a rivalry between two artists. Others consider it merely a case of pianist envy.
In honor of conceptual art, the band now does their version of John Cage's compelling work 4'33".
[BAND STANDS AROUND AND DOES NOTHING THEN MOVES TO EARL HALL]
Earl Hall:
This is Earl Hall. It houses many of the organizations that FBH refuses to, such as religious and political groups. In recent years, FBH has tried to push the Marching Band into Earl Hall, but there's no way we want to be stuck with a bunch of wierdo, liberal, pinko, arch-conservative, Fundamentalist, liberal, whale-saving, seal-loving, pablum puking, homosexual, bisexual, transexual, liberal, white supremacist, black power, Jewish, Christian, Hindu, Muslim, agnostic, liberal, baby-killing, right-to-lifers.
In honor of the diversity which we wouldn't want to be part of, the band now plays, why? because we like all of you: Mickey Mouse
[BAND DOES THIS THEN MOVES TO URIS]
Uris:
This is Uris Hall, the home of the Graduate School of Business. The building is said to portray the economic realities of the business world because it looks like a cheap Japanese transistor radio.
{BAND MOVES TO AVERY}
Avery:
This is Avery Hall, home of the school of architecture, which is widely known as one of the best architecture schools in the country. Needless to say, very few buildings on this campus
were designed by Columbia graduates.
The band would now like to play, for no apparent reason: Tequila
[BAND DOES THIS THEN MOVES TO EAST CAMPUS]
{on the way the band turns the tooth
-Reader: "What time is it boys and girls?"
-Band: "It's time to turn the tooth!"}
East Campus:
This is East Campus. It is frequently called the ugliest building in northern Manhattan because it bears a striking resemblance to a bathroom wall. It has been projected that the unaided destruction of East Campus, notice the protective scaffolding, will be completed some time in the next 4 years. It is said that if you're studying in your room late at night and you're very quiet you can hear another brick fall.
In honor of this slow disintegration, the band would like to play Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall. However, since we can't do that and we never have been able to do that, the band will now play for the 1992nd consecutive time: I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In
[BAND DOES THIS THEN MOVES TO FRONT OF LAW]
Law:
This sculpture in front of you is called "Bellerephon Taming Pegasus," but it is more popularly known as "Pegasus giving Birth To Bellerephon." Unfortunately, under a recent supreme court ruling, what is depicted here is illegal, so kids, don't try this at home.
[BAND PLAYS RAW, EAT IT RAW THEN MOVES TO LOW PLAZA]
Low Library:
This is Low Library, the administrative headquarters and nerve center of the university. Notice that the dome of the building bears a striking resemblance to President Sovern's head. A few years ago there was a controversy over a Christmas nativity scene that some students wanted to erect on Low Plaza. The Trustees overruled the plan saying that they did not want to brush tradition by allowing any wise men near Low Library.
Well, there you have it. Columbia --- as eccentric little place. It has a sundial that doesn't tell time, a marching band that doesn't march. a library that isn't really a library which houses an administration that doesn't really... Well, you get the idea. One final tradition that should be mentioned relates to this statue. It is said that anyone who can find the owl in Alma Mater will join the band. Thus, we leave you with one final song and a small hint...
[BAND POINTS TO OWL THEN PLAYS New York, New York]